Catch 22
by Please.Insert.Name
Summary: Gideon tries to comfort Hotch at the end of Psychodrama. May contain spoilers.


_'Indeed, man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible.'  
~Saint Augustine _

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Aaron Hotchner smiled slightly as he took in the sight of his son taking his first steps. Pausing the recording he glanced out of the window, watching the sun descend behind the clouds, setting fire to the skyline and casting golden rays upon his tired features. It was hard sometimes, hard to believe that there was this brand of genuine innocence in the world. Not the tainted innocence that many of the suspects he questioned professed, but the natural, simplicity that could only be derived from real purity.

This last case had been one of the hardest ones he had had to do. Not because it was violent, not because of the familiar frustration that came with trying to catch an elusive unsub. No, it had been the children. It truly sickened him to think that someone was capable of taking their twisted revenge for a less than adequate childhood on other people's children. Watching that boy slap his mother before being shot himself had torn at him. For a moment he had lost his detachment. The control had wavered and he had seen Jack and Hailey in their place, his heart clenching when the child was taken down in a hail of bullets.

He had snapped.

Shaking his head, he pressed play on the video once more, watching Jack pat the football and feeling pride for his son which left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He hadn't been there.

As much as he tried he knew that his absence was causing a strain on his marriage. It wasn't fair for Jack to grow up in an environment like that. His childhood had been less than perfect and he wanted his son to have a better one, not one with just a mother and a father who wasn't there. This video had reminded him of that. However he couldn't exactly walk away from the job, he was too involved to do that. He could picture himself staying at home with Jack whilst Hailey worked waiting and longing for the phone to ring, for there to be a case. He could picture the guilt coursing through his veins when the news reported yet another serial killer had struck again when he could have helped prevent it. He couldn't live like that.

"You okay?" the voice penetrated his bubble of self-loathing, making him aware that Gideon had just said something.

"Sorry?"

"Are you okay?" pressed Gideon, the question was redundant, Jason Gideon was one of the best profilers in the world but still it was nice that he had been given the option to lie and avoid the conversation.

"Not really" confessed Aaron, opting for the truth.

"I can't promise that it gets any easier, but you can find a balance" said Gideon, piercing to the heart of the matter.

"I try and yet it always seems like I fail. This, this job isn't something you can walk away from but I don't want my family to suffer because of my selfishness."

"Do you want them to suffer because they see that you are unhappy?"

"No, but if it's the better course of action for them I would try" he said, not fully believing his words.

"You would fail" said Gideon simply, seeing straight through the lie.

"Why?"

"This job, it consumes you, they drain you and then discard you. It's the way the world works but some don't mind, for some it's almost a calling and I don't think I need to tell you what category you belong in."

"What can I do then?" asked Aaron quietly.

"That's up to you" said Gideon, before focusing once more in the chessboard.

Switching off the recording, Aaron watched as the image of his son disappeared. Looking out the window once more, he saw that the sun was now fully obscured, the thick expanse of cloud blocking the warm rays. Leaning his head against the cool window he sighed. As much as he hated to admit it Gideon was right. He couldn't walk away but he couldn't stay. It was a bitter Catch 22 and he was trapped.

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_A/N: Well this turned out a lot more depressing than I thought it would! Nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it and reviews would be appreciated :)_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds._

_I apologise for any spelling and/or grammar mistakes contained within this story._


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